We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
