I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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