12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
