im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
