so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
