We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
