god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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