i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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