They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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