so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
