I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize