My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize