Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
