he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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