i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
