its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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