Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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