My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
