Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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