Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
