i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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