he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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