I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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