before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
