I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
