listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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