I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
