the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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