I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
