I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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