Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
