One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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