i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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