make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
