Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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