My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
