man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize