It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I met the friendliest cop last night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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