11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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