OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
