i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
