You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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