So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
