I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
