When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
