Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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