I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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