so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
