it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
