Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
