You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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