I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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