Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
