I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
