That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
