WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Is it penis luge time yet?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
