I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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