If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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