does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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